c. 1996 Religion News Service

(Robert Kirby is a Mormon humorist and regular columnist for the Salt Lake Tribune.)

(RNS)-I just received my copy of Christian Computing, a magazine devoted to helping Christians funnel the spirit of God through their computers.

Reading through Christian Computing, it’s plain that religious folk are making the leap into the modern age. There are ads and articles for everything from crudely sketched Christian clip art to Bible data bases so comprehensive they can figure out 2,000 years of accrued interest on Judas’ 30 pieces of silver.

Program names for Christian software fairly shimmer with religious overtones: Seraphim Systems, DoveSoft, QuickVerse, HyperBible, PowerChurch Plus, Tithe For Windows, BibleWorks and PontiusPerfect.

OK, I made the last one up. But the others are legitimate names for actual programs. I swear on my CD-ROM Bible.

Although big on the practical aspects of computers, Christians apparently haven’t made a lot of inroads into one of the primary reasons people buy computers: games. The magazine advertises very few. One for really small kids, another a role-playing game called”Conflict In Jerusalem,”touted as”meticulously accurate to the Biblical record.” Gripping. Just imagine the nail-biting fun you’ll have playing a game that ends every time exactly the way prophets have been predicting for thousands of years.

And what Christian in his right mind is going to want to role-play Judas? Forget it. If you want real Gospel risk, try the Hell level on”Doom.” Another computer game,”Super 3-D Noah’s Ark,”challenges players to help Noah manage the animals on his boat. Vaguely interesting, especially if you can convince Noah that proper snake management involves teaching them how to swim with bricks.

But my personal favorite ad in Christian Computing is the one for Christianity Online, an interactive program that puts Christians in touch with each other via modems. Cool. Laboring in the vineyard has come down to surfing the Net.

If this information superhighway thing keeps going, I foresee a time when the Mormon Church will be calling kids to go on Internet missions. I imagine them going door to door in Japan and still able to help with the chores around the house. Having served time myself as a Mormon missionary, I wish I’d had a chance to do virtual service for the church. On line it would be dang tough to get knocked off a bike by produce thrown from passing trucks.

I suppose it would be possible to convert someone via the Internet. You could testify, pray together, study, and do just about everything except get baptized. Fear not. Give the Christian market enough time and someone will figure out a way to perform a baptism on line.

Which brings up an interesting question: Would getting baptized on line automatically wipe your hard drive clean? A virtual baptism might do wonders for the soul, but it would be a downright bummer for your computer. Better make a backup file for those sins.

I don’t think Jesus would have used a computer to spread his word. A simple miracle like multiplying the loaves and fishes would have gotten him sued by the Pharisees for software piracy.

And besides, computers are too cold and distant a medium for conveying the word of God. Lepers cannot be healed and the dead cannot be raised with some kind of divine anti-virus application.

When it comes to signs and wonders, you have to be there in person.

MJP END KIRBY