c. 1997 Religion News Service

(Tom Ehrich is an Episcopal priest in Winston-Salem, N.C., an author and former Wall Street Journal reporter. E-mail him at journey(at)interpath.com.)

UNDATED _ A woman lost a son to cancer. Now she asks questions.

Why did he die when others live? Where was God? What happened to her prayers.”I shake a fist at the heavens,”she writes,”and cry, `How could you let me down?!!'” She says Christian friends peppered her with”untimely”statements:”He’s in a better place, be glad”and”It was God’s will.””How should we now live?”she asks.

It is humbling to be asked such questions. I promised her something more than”pastel assurances”or”funeral-parlor platitudes.” Here is what I wrote her:

I believe God allows death. I believe it causes him as much pain as it causes us. To me, that is the central mystery of creation: a God who suffers, a God who loves us and yet does not control our lives, a God who weeps with us. Where was God when your son was dying? I believe God was weeping.

I cannot believe that God”takes one child in order to love him more,”or that God”has a reason”and therefore finds some satisfaction in a child’s death.

I have heard the cruel things people say in time of loss. I think they are just pushing your pain away. True love walks into your pain, not away from it.

I believe that God is beyond our control. I believe God has chosen to let creation exist beyond his control. I don’t believe God sits in the heavenly realm deciding who is going to die today. We attribute control to God, because we find freedom to be frightening. I believe God nudges and comforts, but the underlying chaos is always with us.

I believe God is beyond the control of our curses _ we cannot rain fire down on our enemies, unless it is our own weapons we launch. So, I believe, is God beyond the control of our prayers. We don’t pray to God in order to improve his disposition. We pray to God because we have no other choice.

Paul described it as a God-given”spirit of sonship,”which compels us to cry”Abba! Father!”God’s response isn’t escape from the agonies of life, but a comforter, a”very present help in time of need.” I understand your anger at God. One measure of God’s love for us is that he accepts our anger and doesn’t back away. The fist you shake at God today can become tomorrow the hand you turn palm-up, beseeching God for care.

Sometimes it seems that God alone can tolerate our anger. Others have no room for it.

Why do some children die and others live? Why do women who have no love to give a child have healthy children and women who have much to give see their children die? I don’t know. I doubt there is a reason. God might have ordered creation, but he didn’t make it fair.

You ask why you should continue to pray and to believe”when at our greatest hour of need God did not intervene.”I could be casual and say that God probably did act for you, but that what he did may not have been visible or welcome at the time. I think that is probably true _ but not enough to say.

I think we pray because life brings us to our knees. We exhaust our own resources, and then, like Elijah searching for God, there is nothing left but the”still small voice”of God.

Should you be”over this”by now? I can’t imagine easy passage through such pain. This may stay with you for years _ maybe forever. The death of your son is a watershed; nothing is the same on the other side. I think that’s why divorces happen to 60 percent of couples who lose a child. It’s why people leave town, change churches and move into new friendship circles. Everything has changed. And the old world doesn’t seem able to handle it.

How should you live? I would suggest two things: First, pay attention to your marriage. It will be under tremendous strain. Second, weep boldly. God can handle it. He, too, suffered the loss of a son.

MJP END EHRICH