NEWS FEATURE: Christians divorce at same rate as others but for different reasons

c. 1997 Religion News Service UNDATED _ Although traditional Christian teaching rejects divorce and stresses marital fidelity and family values are central to the religious conservatives’ moral agenda, recent data show divorce strikes born-again Christians at about the same rate as those who don’t profess a born-again experience. The Barna Research Group, a California-based polling […]

c. 1997 Religion News Service

UNDATED _ Although traditional Christian teaching rejects divorce and stresses marital fidelity and family values are central to the religious conservatives’ moral agenda, recent data show divorce strikes born-again Christians at about the same rate as those who don’t profess a born-again experience.

The Barna Research Group, a California-based polling and marketing organization that specializes in religion, even found that those who characterize themselves as”fundamentalist”had a slightly higher divorce rate than the general public.


But other research shows that the way Christians deal with divorce _ the reasons they separate and how they handle the pain _ might be different from the general population.

Tom Whiteman, a Philadelphia psychologist and counselor, was disturbed by the data showing that Christians were no more immune to divorce than the general population, so 10 years ago he founded Fresh Start, a divorce recovery ministry.

Whiteman’s doctoral research concurred with Barna’s _ devout Christians divorce at about the same rate as others. But, he found, they did so for different reasons.

He found that the No. 1 reason cited in divorce proceedings for the general population was incompatibility, but Christians rarely use that as grounds for a divorce.”In the Christian population, the reasons are adultery, abuse (including substance, physical and verbal abuse) and abandonment,”Whiteman said.

And Christians tend to hang on to bad marriages longer than others, he said.”The good news is we are staying together longer and taking marriage seriously, but the bad news is we’re putting up with a lot more pain, and ending up getting divorced anyway.” Whiteman believes that Christians who stay in troubled marriages may sometimes be seeking revenge on their mates:”I have heard both men and women say, `I’m going to be the instrument of pain in that person’s life.'” Other unhappy spouses hang on to the hope that their faithfulness in the marriage might actually lead to a change in their mates’ hearts, but that hope is not always rewarded, Whiteman said.”God never promises that he will bring your spouse back. He just promises that whatever happens, he’ll be there.” The religious spouse may even find his or her faith to be a contributing factor in the break-up.

Whiteman said cases in which one spouse’s religious conversion becomes a”bone of contention,”happen occasionally, but the partners hardly ever admit that is the cause.”Usually the unbelieving spouse talks more in terms of jealousy _ `You care more about that church than you do me.'” It’s usually the wife who becomes religious, Whiteman said, and her increased activity outside the home creates an off-limits topic of discussion, what he calls an”unsafe area.””You get enough unsafe areas in the marriage and you’ve got trouble,”Whiteman said.

Once the marriage is irretrievably broken, he said, Christians feel not only the anguish of rejection by their spouse, but a collapse of their belief system, compounded by overwhelming guilt.”Your whole anchor comes undone. You think there’s nothing left to believe in.” Steve Grissom, president of Divorce Care, a Wake Forest, N.C.-based divorce recovery program used in churches, agrees.”Christians have inside of them a spiritual presence in the form of the Holy Spirit guiding them in right and wrong. When they don’t follow that leading by God, there is a stronger internal conflict than otherwise.” Catholics have the added burden of worrying about the process of annulment if they expect to marry again in the church. And although divorced Catholics can receive Holy Communion _ unless they remarry without an annulment _ they must wrestle with guilt for going against the church’s strong teachings on the indissolubility of marriage, according to Beth Butler, a religious who works at the Catholic Social Services’ counseling center in Mobile, Ala.


(OPTIONAL TRIM BEGINS)

Whether Catholic or Protestant, divorce leaves a Christian in a vulnerable spiritual state. Whiteman, who suffered a divorce 15 years ago, said he was susceptible to anything _ including cult involvement _ that might have offered him affection or hope.

When he looked to the church for help, Whiteman said there were no help groups and no ministries devoted to victims of divorce. Now, he said, there are numerous programs that churches employ to help heal the wounds of divorce, while still stressing the importance of marriage and preaching family values.

But Whiteman said the moral stigma attached to divorce has caused many churches to drag their feet in setting up ministries for divorced members.”I tell them I don’t condone child abuse either, but if there’s someone hurting from that, I want to provide help for them.” (OPTIONAL TRIM ENDS)

Johnny Burleson, one of the counselors at Divorce Care headquarters, said churches have to be careful to nurture the divorced Christian while condemning the practice of divorce. His ministry’s weekly programs don’t take a victimization approach:”It’s not a support group. It’s a recovery and healing ministry,”he said.

Fresh Start’s Whiteman said churches need to serve those wounded by divorce with the same compassion they have for the sick and the poor.”I think the church should be there to offer healing. The alternatives _ singles’ bars and looking for love in promiscuous sex _ are much, much worse.” MJP END LONG

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