c. 1998 Religion News Service

UNDATED _”My mother has given me life and love. I am flesh of her flesh, bone of her bone. I was born of her body, linked to her by nature. Thus, is she not my Adam, am I not her Eve?” With these poetic words, Ariel Chesler introduces his mother’s 20th anniversary edition of”With Child: A Diary of Motherhood,”(Thomas Y. Crowell) the journal that she kept during her pregnancy with him.

So how did a strong-minded feminist and struggling single mother like Chesler manage to raise such a sensitive son?

Certainly not by doing the traditional things, as Ariel points out. He writes, for instance, of the jealousy he felt while his mother was sequestered in her office writing, how feminism was his”baby sister”who got all the attention, and of the meals he cooked for his activist-mother. Yet he also describes the respect he received from earliest childhood, the sympathy he felt for her cause, and the unique closeness the two enjoyed _ qualities he attributes to their enduring bond.

Harriet Lerner, who is the mother of two college-age sons, reminds mothers it’s OK to stay connected to their boys _ no matter how”effeminate”they fear their sons may become as a result. Indeed, she says, if women feel like raising a”mama’s boy”they should”go for it.” Yet Lerner says it is also important to remind mothers”how little control they actually have. There are many powerful influences from other family members, schools, and the culture.”And for mothers who worry their sons don’t fit cultural stereotypes of masculinity _ and who might suffer as a result _ her advice is to”stay calm. If they get too anxious they will pass that anxiety on to their sons, and that’s not helpful.” Based on her own observations, Judy Chu says mothers can best support their sons by teaching them to discriminate between cultural expectations of men and their own subjective experiences.”The cultural stereotypes are very real in boys’ lives. So instead of telling them to mistrust what they pick up, thus invalidating what they’re actually experiencing, it’s wiser to help boys foster critical thinking and reflection,”she says.”This allows them to develop a healthy balance. It may sound simple, but those boys do best who recognize that sometimes they have to act a certain way to fit in, yet who also know that it is normal for them to feel different inside and that that doesn’t mean they’re not a `real man.'”

DEA END PEAY