c. 2000 Religion News Service
(UNDATED) November 2000.
To: Satan.
From: Your agent in Hollywood.
Dear evil one:
By some accounts, our plan to increase your visibility by landing you prominent roles in major motion pictures has been a smashing success during the past 14 months.
Still, the seven most recent movies featuring your sinister self have failed to do justice to your diabolical depravity. We must do better.
I write you as the latest film in our program, “Little Nicky,” is filling theaters nationwide. Don’t get me wrong. It is certainly exciting to see millions of relatively normal and seemingly sane moviegoers succumb to the silly film’s infantile humor, much of it focused on Adam Sandler, who plays your son.
But I’m afraid that movies often belittle your wicked ways as if they were some kind of cheap sideshow joke. Like Rodney Dangerfield, who plays Lucifer in “Little Nicky,” you just can’t get no respect.
Throughout this past year, I have watched as theaters full of sensation-hungry Americans have endured films like “Bedazzled,” “Lost Souls,” “Stigmata” and “The Ninth Gate,” all of which were critical and commercial failures.
While I’ll grant that your cinematic comeback has given evil a renewed prominence, I’m afraid your image has suffered in the process.
I am reminded of the plan initiated in the early 1970s by your previous agent. Sure, it was funny to see comedian Flip Wilson dressed in a red suit featuring horns and a tail. And his line “The devil made me do it” not only was memorable, but made sport of the Christian religion’s claim that you do actually motivate people to do evil deeds. That was a nice piece of work.
But how many times should you be turned into a silly joke? Can’t we get you some better films with stronger scripts and more attractive leading men?
(By the way, I’ve been unsuccessful in reaching John Travolta, who played a slovenly angel in the movie “Michael.” And Nicolas Cage and Harrison Ford seem equally uninterested.)
As you requested, here’s a review of our major films of the past 14 months:
We started things rolling in September 1999 with “Stigmata,” which ingeniously confused the mystical signs of Jesus’ crucifixion with satanic possession, and which slyly argued that instead of four Gospels, there are actually dozens of reliable but conflicting accounts of Jesus’ life. And as always, regal Vatican prelates make a fine target. But Patricia Arquette’s possession scenes were too disgusting for words.
Next came “End of Days,” which ruthlessly exploited overheated Y2K fears. On the plus side, Gabriel Byrne made a fine demon (and see comments above about the Vatican). But the plot, about a girl given over to your service through an evil ritual, was convoluted. And there was simply no excuse for hero Arnold Schwarzenegger’s prayer to the other side: “Please God, help me. Give me strength.”
“Bless the Child,” released in August, revisited the overworked spawn-of-Satan theme but with even less success.
Roman Polanski’s disappointing “The Ninth Gate,” which opened last March, featured Johnny Depp as a book dealer risking death to find a medieval manuscript allegedly written by you. But Frank Langella’s depiction of one of your worshippers was needlessly repulsive.
The last two months _ though busy _ haven’t been much better. “Lost Souls” featured Wynona Ryder as a woman formerly possessed by you now seeking to protect others. But the headline Entertainment Weekly gave its review (“Prince of dorkness”) perfectly expresses my concerns.
The best we can say about “Bedazzled” is that Elizabeth Hurley gave you a sexy allure. But while she successfully beguiled hapless Brendan Fraser, audiences weren’t as easily taken in.
And “Little Nicky” only deepens my concern. Movies, which have historically excelled at depicting believable bad guys, have failed in recent months to successfully portray the baddest guy of them all.
Adding to my discouragement are disturbing developments from the other side.
For years, we succeeded in our strategy of persuading Christians to channel their energies into picketing or protesting films they found sacrilegious (remember 1988’s “The Last Temptation of Christ” or the more recent “Dogma”?) rather than making pro-Christian films of their own. But that strategy may be losing its force.
“Left Behind: The Movie,” a film based on a phenomenally popular series of apocalyptic novels, has just come out on video. And while this end-times thriller won’t win any Oscars for direction or acting, it has received better reviews than many of our own projects.
Our only solid success over the past 14 months was the September re-release of “The Exorcist,” which remains as fiendishly frightening as it was when it debuted in 1973.
If you will pardon my saying so, most of our recent efforts stink to high heaven. We simply must do better at being badder.
DEA END RABEY
