c. 2005 Religion News Service

(UNDATED) Let’s face it. You won’t prepare a living will on your own. You’re a busy person and mortality is totally depressing.

So as a public service, here is a generic living will to personalize and clip out. I can’t promise it will hold up in court if Congress passes more laws and President Bush packs the federal judiciary with yahoos. But it’s better than nothing, so here goes.

Just cross out any sentences that don’t apply.

“I, (WRITE YOUR NAME HERE), do not want my body to be kept alive after my life is over. Please put a fork in me when I’m done.

“If I am incapacitated, I forbid all relatives from glomming makeup on my face and circulating footage of me on national television and the Internet. Maybe Paris Hilton would find this acceptable. I would not.

“If I’m unable to make medical decisions for myself, please ask (WRITE NAME OF SPOUSE OR TRUSTED LOVED ONE HERE) to make them for me.

“I don’t want this person to kill me, even though I said so while we watched the hospital scenes in `Million Dollar Baby.’ I want this person to reject any life-prolonging treatments if I permanently lose the ability to learn, communicate, sustain relationships and comprehend the world around me.

“By `permanently,’ I mean `deep into the future, based on established medical science.’ I don’t mean, `unless some random quack points out a possible cure on the Internet.’

“Like three-fourths of Americans, I believe in heaven.

“This doesn’t mean I want religious extremists to march outside, compare me to Jesus and clamor to enter my bedroom with cups of water. These people may quote Bible verses about Jesus thirsting on the cross; they may sincerely believe the judiciary is cruel for not allowing them to give me, a suffering believer, a cool sip of water.

“I would like them to go away. All of them. Take down the giant cross shrine. Take away every last stuffed animal; my appointed decision-maker knows I can’t stand stuffed animals. Shoo away the people pressing their foreheads into the grass and praying for the cameras to come closer.

“If they don’t go, read the Book of Ecclesiastes to them. Remind them there is a time to be born and a time to die; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to speak up and a time to butt out.

“Tell them the Lord appeared in a dream and said, in a booming voice, that He really wants them to butt out.”

As a small aside, I’d like to note that three of the biggest national debates over the “right to die” involve young women: Terri Schiavo, Nancy Cruzan and Karen Ann Quinlan. I suspect young women are unusually vulnerable to society’s most paternal instincts. I also suspect some people think “Sleeping Beauty” is a true story.

But for the record, every person _ male or female, young or old, photogenic or not _ should be free from unwanted medical treatment; free from Tom DeLay’s insistent kisses; free from the most repulsive kinds of government intrusion.

If I were incapacitated, my medical condition probably wouldn’t receive national attention. Not even a blurb in the local paper. My family would quietly make tough calls on my behalf in the usual hierarchy: spouse, any adult children, parents, siblings, friends, pets, house plants.

“On the off chance that politicians try to seize custody of me, or disparage the best judgment of (REWRITE NAME OF CHOSEN DECISION-MAKER HERE), please ask them to use their time more appropriately and productively.

“Ask them to improve Medicare or Medicaid. Ask them to do some earthly good.

“Finally, please don’t fight for my `right to die.’ Remind people I already have that right. In fact, I have a biological imperative to die, barring any major advances in genetics or Botox. The trick is to live fully, take advantage of modern medicine without getting trapped by it, and die at peace.

“Please help me do that. No one can do it alone.

“Oh. One last thing. When my time comes, I want to be buried with a massive supply of (WRITE CHOCOLATE OR BEER OR SOME OTHER VICE HERE).

“Even if my (INSERT NAME OF MOST ANNOYING RELATIVE) says no.

“Even if it takes an act of Congress to make it happen.”

MO/PH/RB END NIELSEN

(Susan A. Nielsen is an associate editor at The Oregonian of Portland.)