c. 2008 Religion News Service

(UNDATED) Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us, and that means two things: There’s likely to be a lot of diamond rings produced Thursday night (Feb. 14), and weddings won’t be far behind.

For a wedding, you’ll have to balance the needs of family, friends and clergy. But an engagement involves the needs of just two people: you and your partner. Getting engaged may seem simple compared with the well-known stress of planning a wedding, but don’t be fooled.

Determining what best suits both of your needs is a much greater challenge _ and a much greater adventure _ than figuring out whether you should have a band or a DJ. Now’s the time to start the respectful conversations you need to have, even if potential conflict can be awkward or uncomfortable.

These are the kinds of conversations that are best done sooner rather than later.

An interfaith relationship adds a whole other layer of complexity to the choices ahead: What role will religion play for your and your children? In what faith, or faiths, will you raise your children? What about your inlaws?

Start by talking about how you each were raised. Did you attend a house of worship, and how often? What holidays did you celebrate? Do you believe in God _ and if so, what does that mean? What do you want for your kids? What are your parents’ expectations?

Having this initial conversation is important before even considering making long-term decisions. Couples must know what their past is before they can figure out what the future will be.

If there are significant differences, don’t shy away from them. Dating is a great time to explore religious differences. Read up on your partner’s religion or attend services. Consider it a process of discovery: You each may discover things about the other you didn’t know, and you both may discover things about yourselves you didn’t realize.

Part of this discovery involves spending time with your partner’s family. This is essential in any relationship, but especially crucial for those in interfaith relationships. Do they say grace before meals? Do they light Shabbat candles? Are there certain foods they don’t eat because of their religion? This will allow you to gauge your comfort level with their religious practice and determine whether it’s an issue or not.

Friends and family can be a great resource. Talk with other interfaith couples. Having children often makes religion a suddenly important issue; find out how others’ attitudes changed so you can contemplate if your attitude might change as well.

Talking with your parents about your decision may be stressful, but it also prepares them for news they may have ambivalent feelings about. If you prepare them for a decision that they might not agree with, it gives them time to come to accept it _ and to say “Congratulations!” when you call them with the news you got engaged.

If you’re the one doing the proposing, consider talking about your decision with your partner’s parents _ not to ask permission, but to show your respect and promise to take care of their child. Even if the interfaith nature of your relationship has been a sore spot in the past, telling them about your decision shows them you are a mature, responsible adult.

And most important: Don’t worry about the wedding! Resolve your life issues first _ plan the party later.

(Micah Sachs is managing editor of InterfaithFamily.com, a nonprofit that provides resources and services for interfaith couples with a Jewish partner.)

KRE/PH END SACHS600 words

A photo of Micah Sachs is available via https://religionnews.com.