(RNS) Ask Cal how long he’s been married and he’d say 118 years, 59 for me and 59 for Clarena. They’d both laugh like couples in love do.

But last week, when we buried Clarena, who died just one month shy of their 60th wedding anniversary, Cal, a crusty guy with a huge marshmallow heart, cried like a little kid. I gave him a big hug and told him he was teaching me something important about love and loss and how to grieve. And he was.

But these days in the rhythm of pastoral life you spend more time with couples whose marriages are unraveling and you wish there was some simple, foolproof way to get them back on track.

I don’t think there is. But I do see a recurring pattern in relationships that don’t make it and the remedy is summarized in five words written by St. Paul. It occurs to me that his advice is valuable in all relationships whether in marriage, between neighbors or nations.

Paul’s advice: Speak the truth in love.

Most couples whose marriages aren’t working have stopped communicating, or at least one of the two parties has. They might be talking, but they aren’t communicating.

The Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” The root of communicate is “commune,” which conveys the sense of intimacy at the heart of good relationships.

There are many reasons why communal relationships break down, but two of them are captured in the phrase, “speak the truth in love.” Communication loses its intimacy when it is lacking either truth or love, or worse yet, both.

Without the truth any relationship will wither and die.

One man I know has given up on telling his wife the truth, because she simply will not hear it. So, about five years into his now 30-plus years of marriage he stopped telling her what he really thinks. Without her hearing the truth she cannot grow or improve and is doomed to self-delusion. Without his speaking the truth he is a co-conspirator in the superficiality of the relationship. They are in a stalemate. Detente is a survival strategy, not the mark of a healthy relationship.

Sometimes truth is easy to come by but not effective. Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill, “Sir you are drunk.” “I am,” said Churchill, “but Madame you are ugly, and tomorrow when I awake I shall be sober.”

Love is what makes truth hearable and constructive. One wise communicator said delivering the truth lovingly is like stepping on another person’s shoe without the shoe losing its shine. Truth delivered lovingly is motivated by a genuine desire to help, not hurt; to remedy, not just reveal; to elevate and illuminate, not diminish.

Some couples, neighbors, and nations seem to experience this loving, truthful camaraderie from Day One and throughout their years, but most relationships that work take work.

What does it mean to work at it?

A healthy relationship requires healthy participants, which generally means focusing first and foremost on identifying and changing unhealthy things about yourself.

This requires listening and hearing, and that in turn requires patience and self-control. Gandhi said he first learned the principles of nonviolent communication in his marriage!

Retaining your individuality while growing to understand and accept your differences with others allows you to think together without requiring that you think alike.

The American poet Ogden Nash offered some simple, practical advice for the married that is applicable to all relationships. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up!”

Apologies, forgiveness, humor and humility are the soothing oils that keep relationships running.

When you visited Cal and Clarena, you saw a relationship that stood the test of time and kept on running right up until she breathed her last breath on earth.

They had learned a thing or two about speaking the truth in love, and so can we.

(Dick Staub is the author of “The Culturally Savvy Christian” and the host of The Kindlings Muse (http://www.thekindlings.com). His blog can be read at http://www.dickstaub.com)