Gossipy readers who are hoping to discover the nitty-gritty of a pastor’s sex life might be disappointed after reading Mark and Grace Driscoll’s latest book, "Real Marriage: The Truth about Sex, Friendship, & Life Together" (Thomas Nelson). Aside from a chapter that informs readers what is permissible, biblically speaking, in the bedroom, and another that offers some insight into pornography, the book is relatively sexless, despite what its title might otherwise enticingly suggest.

The founding pastor of Mars Hill Church of Seattle teams up with his wife to discuss open communication, what it means to be a selfish vs. servant lover, the importance of spousal friendship, and being a respectful—shying away from the more controversial "submissive" term—wife.  

The book begins with a self-righteous tone delivered at a driving pace. One who doesn’t strongly adhere to such ideas as stay-at-home motherhood, for example, can feel the need to take a breather from the books’ early speech that can at times feel like the Driscolls have gotten it right and others must live very similarly to them in order to "catch up."

That said, "Real Marriage" reveals some surprising facts about the couple as individuals, drawing them out from a strictly goody-goody evangelical stereotype, at least regarding their pasts. Mark grew up in a rough neighborhood, and Grace experienced sexual assault prior to her marriage to Mark, which she has only begun to deal with in recent years. Her chapter in the book on sexual abuse and assault is arguably one of the books’ strongest assets, offering advice to those who have experienced abuse themselves  as well as suggestions for how to counsel friends who have endured abuse, and questions to ask one’s children to check on their safety.

The book is clear that the Bible does not condone abuse and sends readers to biblical counselors for support. But, it doesn’t drive home too hard the message to contact the police or other safe authorities. Furthermore, because Grace discusses both abuse that she endured and ways in which she reacted to others—namely, Mark—in the years following (not being honest about her past, being emotionally distant), it can become unclear what exactly qualifies her as being sinful or unclean. This often vague language could potentially confuse and be harmful to readers who are victims of abuse themselves, though this was doubtful the author’s intent.  

Perhaps most surprising of the megachurch power couple: neither was a virgin when they first married, nor did they lose their virginities to each other. 

This last fact again helps make the book and its authors more relatable to a larger audience; however, the pages seem to lack any real emotion and read like a transcript. The Driscolls discuss their past of sexual distance from each other and bitterness and speak to their renewed happiness, showing evidence that their revitalizing tactics worked for them. But without establishing an authentic connection with readers, they may be hesitant to follow the couple’s prescriptive advice.    

"Real Marriage" takes moments to soften the edges of teachings that women are inferior to men, explaining that each is made in God’s image, men are not to simply boss their wives around, etc. Yet select advice is suspiciously one-sided with limited explanation as to why. Women are advised to watch sports with their husbands in order to spend time together. Men are given the go-ahead to cook if they so desire, but it is not suggested that a man hang out in the kitchen with his wife for the sake of increasing intimacy and friendship.

A discussion of Mark’s desire to be early to events on his schedule and Grace’s tendency to be late does not conclude with his effort to be more flexible with his time but rather his "learning how to help Grace be aware of the time." To be fair, he does allude to how he’ll help get the kids out the door, yet his way of explaining such efforts is not concrete.

Overall, readers will glean a thing or two from the book’s statistical trivia. They might appreciate the couple’s honesty about their less-than-perfect pasts, both together and apart. Those likely to walk away with great convictions regarding their marriage are probably those who will crack the spine with pre-existing notions similar to the Driscolls. But for those who are wary going in, it is doubtful they will emerge convinced, if they make it to the final pages. —Bailey Brewer