NEWS FEATURE: Learning to cope with an `unbelieving partner’

c. 1997 Religion News Service DICKERSON, Md. _ Yvonne Mulgrew, 40, rarely mentions God at home. She cannot discuss the subject she cares most about _ her evangelical Christian faith _ with the man she loves the most, her husband.”It becomes extremely lonely,” she said. “I long to be able to talk to my husband […]

c. 1997 Religion News Service

DICKERSON, Md. _ Yvonne Mulgrew, 40, rarely mentions God at home. She cannot discuss the subject she cares most about _ her evangelical Christian faith _ with the man she loves the most, her husband.”It becomes extremely lonely,” she said. “I long to be able to talk to my husband about spiritual things.”

Jerry Mulgrew, 50, has gone to church with his wife on occasion if only to bring her comfort. But Vietnam convinced him years ago that God does not intervene in human affairs. He tries to assure her that as a baptized Catholic he’s already been saved. She’s unconvinced.


“I pray constantly,” she said, “for his soul and salvation.”

The apostle Paul warned Christian believers against becoming unequally yoked by marrying non-believers. Just what defines a believer, Jerry Mulgrew notes, is open to discussion, but tensions can arise in any marriage when one partner adheres strongly to a tradition the other rejects.

Rabbis tell of a common dilemma: One spouse wants to begin observing dietary laws and the other insists on bacon for breakfast. The conflict takes on added urgency for evangelical Christians who fear their “unbelieving partners” will spend eternity in hell.

Spouses of “unbelievers” can be found in every church, said the Rev. Michael Fanstone, co-author of the books, “Praying for Your Unbelieving Husband,” and “Unbelieving Husbands and the Wives Who Love Them.”

Christian psychologist James Dobson, president of Focus on the Family, “gets huge volumes of mail” on the subject, and he’s hosted radio shows with titles like “Beloved Unbelievers” and “Unequally Yoked.”

The vast majority of unequally yoked Christians are women, said Fanstone, the senior pastor of Emmanuel Baptist Church in Gravesend, England. Some report marrying men who pretended to be Christians during the courtship only to reveal their religious indifference after the wedding. Far more common are wives like Jennifer Miller, who become born-again Christians after they marry.

Miller, 46, a graphic designer in Gravesend, hadn’t thought much about religion until a local church member came to her house to invite her to a service.

“When I opened the door I started crying, and I was not unhappy,” she said. “All week I felt I had to go to church.” Her first day of worship “was an incredible experience,” which she was eager to share with her husband, Neil.


Neil Miller, 48, a former fireman, was not so enthused.

“I was a bit resentful about it. I thought I was going to lose a part of her,” he said. “I was pleased she found people she felt so at one with. I was disappointed I was not giving her all that she needed. … As far as I was concerned, the church was taking Jenny away from me.”

He never belittled his wife to her face. Behind her back, though, he said, “I used to call her a born-again donut, a friendly term for slightly not stable.”

Evangelical ministers who see marriage as a lifelong commitment try to advise “unequally yoked” couples on how to live with their differences. Ironically, the first counsel offered in most Christian self-help books is: Don’t evangelize, at least not directly. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses elders tell spouses of non-believers to avoid pushing their magazines at home.

A wife “won’t get anywhere trying to bully her husband into the kingdom,” Fanstone said. Her “responsibility is to live as a Christian, on occasion share her faith in a non-preachy way, and to keep praying for him and trusting God for his salvation.”

He recommends wives not use expressions such as “being saved” or “washed in the blood of the lamb” in front of their husbands. To someone who isn’t Christian, such language “sounds like gobbledygook,” he said.“It can also be very pushy (and) sound superior.”

Jerry Mulgrew supported his wife’s spiritual search a year into the marriage. “She was looking for comfort; she was seeking.” He reacted negatively, however, to the teachings of her non-denominational Christian church.


“They picture any other religion as not being true,” he said, “even though most of the time … they have no idea what’s in the Koran or what Buddhists believe. … If your God condemns everybody out of ignorance I don’t want that church. That creed goes against everything I am.”

Discussions in the early days, Yvonne Mulgrew recalled, quickly turned into arguments. “He used to get furious. One day he said, `I don’t like you and I don’t like your God.”’

Such friction, wives say, can lead to intense feelings of isolation.

“Neil was my husband and it’s like he was separated from me,” said Jennifer Miller. Even more disturbing is a woman’s fear her partner is not saved, and if he were killed suddenly they would be separated for eternity.

“I pray constantly about it in my morning devotion,” said Yvonne Mulgrew, and with added urgency when her husband, a sheet metal worker, is beginning a dangerous job. “I was so petrified about a certain job that before he left the house I asked him to pray with me for his safety.”

Her husband complied. “She’s my wife and I love her,” he said. He may be doubtful, but “she believes God is hearing me.”

Husbands, Fanstone maintains, are deserving of respect as head of the household whether they are Christian or not. He encourages wives not to idealize Christian marriages, which may be fraught with other problems. And he tells them it is better to miss an occasional Sunday service and mid-week prayer service rather than alienate a partner who is feeling neglected.


“I say, `Look, you’re not making it any easier for your husband to believe if you become obsessive about your faith,”’ he said. “Wives have no choice but to be accommodating.”

While more churches are offering literature and support groups for the unequally yoked, “unbelievers” lack an arsenal of books and tapes on how to get along with their beloved believers. Jerry Mulgrew keeps it simple. He recommends cultivating tolerance and avoiding discussions of faith. “Just don’t argue religion and you’ll be happy,” he said.

Still, for many Christians, the ultimate goal remains winning over the opposition. And persistence, they say, occasionally pays off. Initially resistant to his wife’s religiosity, Neil Miller had his own conversion experience after his parents’ death.

“It’s a lot easier really,” he said of his Christian marriage. “I think we’re both thinking on the same level. Quite often Jenny will say something and I will say, `I was just thinking that.”’

Jerry Mulgrew envisions no conversion, but he appreciates the changes in his wife since she embraced Christianity. “She’s a lot happier than when she was younger. It does wonders for her. I wouldn’t take it away from her.”

Yvonne Mulgrew says her husband, too, has “grown tremendously in an emotional sense and relationally,” changes she attributes to the Holy Spirit. She’s not sure “what God has in mind for Jerry,” but she’s leaving his salvation in divine hands.


Her husband still tries to convince her he’s already been saved, along with the Muslims and Buddhists who have led a good life. “If there’s a heaven,” he tells her, “I’ll go there. I know it.”

Every morning she prays he’ll be right.

MJP END LIEBLICH

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