NEWS FEATURE: Supermarket tabloids and the `grocery store gospel’

c. 1998 Religion News Service UNDATED _ You can spend years in seminary studying the nuances of Scripture and analyzing the words of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Or you can pick up a supermarket tabloid, and in one fell swoop glean not only the (condensed) Word of God but also Diet Tips From the […]

c. 1998 Religion News Service

UNDATED _ You can spend years in seminary studying the nuances of Scripture and analyzing the words of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

Or you can pick up a supermarket tabloid, and in one fell swoop glean not only the (condensed) Word of God but also Diet Tips From the Stars.


“God’s wrath _ the signs to watch for,” screams The Sun. “Who will go to Heaven and Hell, plus much more.”

“Original Ten Commandments found in Ethiopia,” the Weekly World News declares. “We can name the anti-Christ,” howls the headline above photos of four front-runners: Saddam Hussein, Bill Gates, the Rev. Sun Myung Moon and Russian politician Vladimir Zhirinovsky. The CIA, which (Weekly World News assures us) is conducting the investigation, is keeping its pick for prince of darkness top secret.

Tabloids aren’t for everyone. It’s best to approach grocery-store gospel with an open mind and a strong spirit; the leaps of faith required are often Mount Sinai-size.

Before you begin sifting through the supermarket scrolls, take a moment to ponder in your heart:

I. Jesus sells. In color, in black and white, in stone or on his shroud, it’s hard to look away when Jesus calls you from the cover. Pair him with the pope and a promise to reveal “Chilling prophecies from lost gospel of Christ,” as The Sun did recently, and you’ve got a winner.

II. Relics rule. Not all sacred souvenirs have gone the way of the Lost Ark. Take the spear used to pierce the side of Jesus on the cross. Hitler did take it, according to The Sun. Not so surprising is the fact that “Hitler wielded the spear for evil.” But rest assured it’s back where it belongs _ under lock and key in Vienna.

Not so the Tower of Babel. It seems this debacle of biblical building has cropped up on Mars; witness a photo “smuggled” out of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration and published in the Weekly World News.


III. Politics make strange bedfellows and compelling copy. Consider the tale of the brunette paying secret nighttime visits to the White House: “Holy Moses!” gasps the Weekly World News. “Did President Clinton meet Jesus?” An unidentified administration source says Jesus “appeared in the White House on Feb. 28 at approximately 11:30 p.m.”

The Savior requested a private meeting with the president, but Clinton insisted three aides witness the encounter. “The president was deeply moved by the discussion,” the administration source said. “At one point in the meeting he was so moved, he wept. I believe Jesus may have been forgiving the president.”

IV. Never underestimate the power of prayer. “Scientific proof that prayer power beats AIDS has doctors and clergymen alike shouting hallelujahs.” Amen, Sun.

V. Nothing is sacred. Especially stereotypes. Consider the case of the Catholic church stuck with a sexy statue: “The Virgin Mary looks anything but virginal with her sensuous lips, slender waist, big breasts and self-assured gaze,” gripes The Sun.

VI. Prophecy begets profits. Inquiring minds want to know what the future holds. Accuracy need not apply. A June 18, 1996, copy of the Weekly World News announcing the end of the world on Dec. 31, 1996, is a case in point _ not to mention a collector’s item. The paper’s latest round of predictions plays it safer. Jesus will attend the end of the world on a Tuesday in 1999. Keep them all open.

VII. There are no minor miracles. Ernesto Lazaro, reports the Weekly World News, has been a leper since 1975. The fact that, after touching Pope John Paul II during the papal visit to Cuba in January, Lazaro can wiggle his remaining fingers and toes is nothing short of miraculous.


VIII. Consider the source, but not too closely. Besides delivering “ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHS,” most stories include “ACTUAL NAMES” of “ACTUAL EXPERTS.” The Weekly World News quotes Wolde Giorgis, Wolde Gebral and the Rev. George Grabel, for example. Gebral, “a former guardian of the Ark,” comments on the discovery of the “original Ten Commandments.” Grabel, “the noted Atlanta author and lecturer,” contends the Bible predicted El Nino and his bratty sister still to come, La Nina.

IX. When the well runs dry, resurrect the Dead Sea Scrolls. With, perhaps, 40,000 fragments lying in museum vaults, on scholars’ desks and, no doubt, in locked trunks in attic rooms in the Vatican, these pieces of parchment are still a gold mine. Most recently The Sun reported, “Scholars say Satan knows the scrolls are of vital interest to Christians worldwide.” Satan must read the tabloids.

X. Remember the ads; keep them holy. Religion runs over into advertising in the tabloids. Don’t forget to shop for the sacred: A miracle prayer cloth for a $10 donation, refundable if you aren’t satisfied. A medal available for $9.95 plus shipping and handling guaranteed to produce “nonstop miracles.” Or you can send for mail-order ordination papers and skip seminary and the supermarket altogether.

DEA END HAUGHT

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