c. 1998 Religion News Service
UNDATED _ Roadside memorials can be a healthy way to grieve, counselors say.
Erecting crosses and wreaths to honor those killed in automobile accidents is one of many rituals people use to deal with death, especially when a loss is sudden.
“It’s a way you continue your relationship with that person with the acceptance that they are gone,” said Debra Schaefer, manager of Bay Health Systems’ Employee Assistance Program in Bay City, Mich., which counsels hospital staff and their families after tragedies.
Visiting and decorating a roadside memorial is really no different than tending a person’s grave, lighting a candle for them in church, donating to a charity, starting a scholarship or planting a tree in their name, Schaefer said.
When someone dies of old age or after a long illness, their loved ones have had time to prepare for the inevitable, Schaefer said. “But an unexpected death overpowers people’s normal coping ability.”
As a result, many people turn to rituals for help. She encourages it.
“You may wear a piece of their jewelry, or on their birthday you have their favorite dinner,” Schaefer said. “I had an uncle that went to my dad’s grave and poured a beer on it, like `Have a beer.’
“Those are healthy things. The weird stuff is denying it, trying to repress it _ drinking, using drugs, doing self-destructive things. Rituals are very positive ways of integrating the experience of death.”
Roadside memorials give people an outlet for their feelings, said Anne Olsen, a clinical social worker in Bay City. It’s like the mountains of flowers left for Princess Diana and victims of the Oklahoma City bombing by total strangers.
“When it’s a sudden death, there is an amazing, intense feeling of helplessness and no control and it becomes a challenge in creativity to find something you can do with that feeling so you don’t have to feel as helpless,” Olsen said.
Still, Olsen tells her clients that such rituals can’t go on forever.
“They need to get connected with something that’s more alive, contribute to a living memory rather than focusing on the being-dead part,” Olsen said.
“Most of these people have done a lot of other things rather than die in that spot on the highway, but even from that something can happen. Mothers Against Drunk Driving was started by a woman who had experienced sudden death in her family and something came out of it.”
DEA END KART
