c. 1999 Religion News Service

(Rabbi Rudin is the national interreligious affairs director of the American Jewish Committee.)

UNDATED _ My wife, Marcia, and I were married 30 years ago this month in New York City. Even the absent-minded, buffoonlike husbands of television sitcoms could remember our wedding date since it occurred exactly one week after astronaut Neil Armstrong took his first”small step”on the moon.

I am always wary of those couples who, upon reaching a special wedding anniversary, believe they have earned the right to dispense universal”do’s and don’ts”to whoever will listen about what it takes to maintain a successful marriage. But every marriage is a work in constant progress that, like any great painting, is totally unique and original.

I am equally put off by celebrity couples who, shortly after publicly proclaiming their”picture-perfect marriages”in the print and electronic media, suddenly announce that divorce proceedings have commenced. Also beware of married couples who must constantly tell the world how happy they are. So expect no sanctimonious bromides nor pious advice from me about good marriages except to say they require privacy, patience and perseverance.

However, when I am asked to officiate at a wedding, I do what is morally required of every member of the clergy: I counsel with the prospective bride and groom and explore with them religion’s traditional teachings about marriage.

The Hebrew term for marriage is one of Judaism’s most sacred words,”Kiddushin,”or”Holiness,”and because marriage is so fundamental in Jewish life, the ancient rabbis devoted a great deal of their attention to the subject. The third section of the Talmud is entitled”Women,”and within its seven tractates are teachings about sisters-in-law, marriage contracts, bills of divorce and betrothals.

In re-reading some of this material as I neared my 30th wedding anniversary, I was struck by the rabbis’ amazing sense of realism and their”modern”view of husbands, wives and romantic love. While technology may have greatly changed in the last 2,000 years, even a cursory study of Judaism’s insights into marriage reveals that human nature has remained the same.

Rabbi Judah, who lived in Regensburg, Germany, in the 13th century, taught that”no girl should be married against her will to a man she cannot love.”He added that if a son wishes to marry a”worthy girl, but his parents wish him to marry another woman whom he does not love simply because her family offers money, the son does not have to yield to his parents’ wishes because their motives are blameworthy.” If Rabbi Judah were alive today and offering advice like that, he would probably be a popular radio or television marriage counselor.

Despite Judaism’s patriarchal nature, a medieval Spanish rabbi wrote that”marriage is not a one-sided affair. A husband must never treat his wife violently, nor abuse her. … Faithfulness to each other is one of the essential conditions of marriage.”Clearly, marital infidelity is nothing new and because it is so destructive, the prohibition against adultery was eternally enshrined as one of the Ten Commandments.

In much of the world’s literature, the matchmaker who arranges marriages is portrayed as a shrewlike woman who mischievously meddles in everyone’s business. Countless authors have treated matchmakers with wry amusement bordering on contempt.

But today some marriage counselors believe that in a society like ours where nearly 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, gifted matchmakers have an important role to play. Indeed, there has been an extraordinary proliferation of professional matchmaking services in recent years. And the aching desperation contained in the growing number of”personal”advertisements in the American press attests to the gnawing hunger of many people to find a marriage partner.

The rabbis had no illusions about the difficulties of achieving a good marriage. A remarkable testimonial about those difficulties is found in a commentary on the biblical book of Genesis. In the familiar question-and-answer format, a scoffer asked a rabbi how long it took God to create the world. Six days was the answer.”Only six days! Rabbi, what has God been doing ever since?””Making successful marriages”was the answer.”And THAT is God’s occupation?”the scoffer sneered.”Even I can do that. I have a thousand slaves and in one short hour, I can marry them off to one another.”The rabbi answered:”Though it may appear easy in your eyes, every good marriage is as difficult for God as the dividing of the Red Sea.” Both are miracles. The only difference is that the Red Sea divided only once, but, thank God, there are millions of successful marriages.

DEA END RUDIN