COMMENTARY: Focusing Our Attention on Teens

c. 2000 Religion News Service (Dale Hanson Bourke is the mother of two sons and publisher of RNS.) “… for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” If yesterday’s (May 2) White House conference on teenagers had a theme, it might have been this ancient biblical text. All the modern problems of drugs, […]

c. 2000 Religion News Service

(Dale Hanson Bourke is the mother of two sons and publisher of RNS.)

“… for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”


If yesterday’s (May 2) White House conference on teenagers had a theme, it might have been this ancient biblical text. All the modern problems of drugs, violence and sex come down to this historic prediction, say the experts.

Live a life of violence, and you will produce violent kids. Drink, and your children will likely become alcoholics. Model promiscuous behavior, and prepare to be a very young grandparent. Ignore your children, and they won’t have time for you.

Despite statistics and studies, tables and tabulations, most of what the experts said was achingly simple: Teenagers need attention. Teenagers need love. Teenagers need a safe and sane home.

It is tempting to dismiss the discussion as ridiculously simplistic until you realize how few of today’s teens actually get these basic necessities.

Said one expert, “Teenagers need to know that at least one person is crazy about them.”

It seems like a small thing to ask. And why should kids have to?

The fact is, we are all too darn busy. I say this not from the pulpit but from the pew. I am too darn busy.

With one teenager and one almost-teenager (the current debate in our house is whether being 12 “counts”) I am tempted to look at these almost-grown men and think my job is almost done. They can pretty much get themselves through the day if they have to.

But they shouldn’t have to.

Being a teenager today is infinitely more complicated than it was 30 years ago. Stresses and strains combine with expectations and hormones, leaving kids mostly baffled. Some get angry. Some seem to feel nothing.

When I was a teenager I could always turn to my parents for guidance and support. My kids should have the same expectation.


For the most part, they do. But sometimes it is a call to my cell phone or a hotel room. Sometimes I am in a meeting and can’t get back to them. Sometimes they can tell by the tone of my voice that now is not the time to debate the dynamics of a friendship.

A few years ago I found myself praying for more time and better organizational methods to pack everything into my day. Somehow, the echo of my own voice was indicting. So I took a deep breath and tried again. The words that tumbled out were simple: Help me fall in love with my children.

Falling in love with your kids is very different than just loving them. When you fall in love with your kids you go early to the carpool line just to see their faces a split-second sooner. You find out what they like to do and learn about it too, even if it is bizarre-looking metal figurines. You try to keep up with them even if you nearly have a heart attack doing so.

For me, the biggest surprise has been how little energy on my part has resulted in so much returned affection. I have sown so little and reaped so much.

Perhaps the one thing lacking in yesterday’s White House meeting was a word to pay-off obsessed adults about the joy of investing in a teenager’s life. Yes, the negatives come back at you. But so do the positives.

It doesn’t take that much effort to let a teenager know you are crazy about him or her. But look out. You might not be ready for the feeling of having a teenage boy throw his arm around you and say, “I love you.”


It can take your breath away.

DEA END BOURKE

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