c. 2006 Religion News Service

(UNDATED) “The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.” _ Pat Robertson

Religious broadcaster and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson certainly has a way with words.

As he ages, his gay-bashing, inclement weather predictions and assorted prophecies of natural disasters become increasingly outlandish.

I’ve made a point of ignoring him because he strikes me as a businessman who has found a way to profit by caricaturing a fool for his receptive fringe element. Nice niche.

That all changes today, because now he’s gone and spouted off about something I really care about: the gym. I can hold my silence no longer.

Anyone who spends any time in a gym or fitness center always keeps a discreet eye on what the other guys are lifting. It’s a testosterone thing. It turns out that Robertson is something of a gym rat and health food fanatic. It also turns out that he’s the modern version of Samson.

Or at least that’s his claim.

The preacher says he’s capable of leg-pressing 2,000 pounds. To people who care about such things, that’s simply astonishing. Such a lift would put him at the top of the beast category. It would give him the natural right to divert his critical and obsessive attention from gays to the most muscular, heterosexual fitness freaks walking Earth. He could dismissively label Schwarzenegger a girly-man while kicking sand into the collective eyes of the NFL combined.

Therefore, I think a urine sample is in order. If Robertson is leg-pressing a ton, he’s clearly abusing steroids _ a condition that would go a long way toward explaining his increasingly bizarre and delusional rants.

Former Sen. George Mitchell should turn his focus to Robertson after he gets to the bottom of the allegations concerning baseball slugger Barry Bonds’ reported steroid abuse.

Mind you, The New York Times reports that the world record for the leg press is 1,335 pounds, set by Dan Kendra, a former Florida State University quarterback. Upon pressing the weight, he experienced the unpleasant sensation of capillaries bursting in his eyes.

Robertson, however, not only recently surpassed Kendra’s record, but he also crushed it by an amazing 665 pounds and kept his eyesight, to boot.

So you tell me: Is he on steroids or is he a liar? Or both?

If there is one thing that weightlifters don’t like, it’s other lifters who boast falsely. And for the record, I don’t like to pick on an old man _ especially one who has managed to keep himself in shape. I just don’t appreciate an old man who makes ridiculous, impossible claims.

Of course there is another possible explanation for Robertson’s boast: He has long hawked a protein shake called Pat’s Protein Shake. The shake is said to promote weight loss, slow the aging process and contribute to various health improvements.

To that laundry list, Robertson apparently had hoped to add the possible side effect of Herculean strength enhancement.

The shake, which was being carried by GNC, a health-supplement store, was pulled from the shelves recently, according to The New York Times. Perhaps Robertson’s over-the-top claim scared away the health chain, which would be perfectly understandable.

Robertson’s spurious claim notwithstanding, as Americans live longer, competent role models will of necessity emerge to show how to slow the aging process and live healthy, vibrant and physically complete lives.

But for now, that role model should not be searched for at the Christian Broadcasting Network.

KRE END MORRIS

(Phillip Morris is an editorial writer for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland.)