c. 2006 Religion News Service
(UNDATED) To: God
From: Oprah
Subject: Would love to have You on the show
Dear God,
You know that I have believed in You all of my life, from my humble beginnings in that ramshackle Mississippi backwater where we were so poor I barely had shoes (let alone a closet full of Manolo Blahniks), to where I am today, the most influential African-American woman in the known universe. Thank You for believing in Me and for making Me so incredibly shrewd, yet relatable at the same time.
Although I really appreciate all that You have done, it’s pretty clear that You are not as powerful as You once were, whereas my power rises with each segment of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” When I recommend a new bra, millions of women stampede the malls, searching for that exact style. When I recommend a book, they won’t have a moment’s peace until they read it. Decorators across the country were suddenly booked a year in advance after I asked my viewers, “Is your home decor stuck in the ’80s?”
Ask Yourself, Lord, do You still command that kind of authority? I’ll admit, when reporters first asked Me, “Oprah, are you God?” I denied it. That would have been arrogant. But false modesty is useless.
Maybe if You had started a Web site, or had asked Me to recommend a really shrewd PR firm, my ministry wouldn’t have grown larger than Yours. Alas, it never pays to look back in regret. I’ve got a gazillion people watching my television show (check newspaper listings for local air time), reading “O: The Oprah Magazine,” and listening to my new 24-hour satellite radio shows. I even have my own Angel Network.
God, You taught Me to dream big. I listened and embraced the message. I even realized that the whole “Oprah for President” business was just a ruse, a way for You to get Me to realize my full transformational potential. Now I see that You not only wanted me to be godlike in my ability to give away Pontiac G6s to everyone in my audience, get Ralph Lauren on my set at the snap of my fingers. It was to actually become God.
Even for Me, this was heady stuff. When I began to think of the implications, I needed to sit quietly with a cup of herbal tea. I asked my staff not to disturb Me, even though they were eager to show Me the photos of Myself for the next month’s magazine cover, where I look stunning in size 6 (can you believe it?) camel slacks and a divine chocolate shearling jacket. This was big. Bigger than getting Faith Hill to divulge her recipe for cornbread on my show. Bigger than Tom Cruise’s moon bounce on my couch. Bigger, even, than the show when we revealed the last pair of tweezers you’ll ever need.
Besides, You are probably feeling a little burned-out after so many thousands of years of being God. Who wouldn’t? And honestly, nobody stays in the limelight forever. I feel total serenity with my new mission, and my leap into the evolutionary light. You have done for Me the same thing I try to do for my own parishioners. You have allowed Me to discover my truest potential. I thank You for that.
So I accept. I will end all speculation and announce that I am, in fact, God.
To thank you for leading me on this extraordinary journey, I’d like to invite you as a guest on the show. I’m sure You realize that most people would volunteer to become double amputees for an opportunity like this. If the audience really connects with You, we may have You back on a regular basis. Dr. Phil started that way, and look what happened! It could happen to You, too.
Unfortunately, we cannot delay the upcoming shows, “Are you a closet racist?” and “Gospel singers addicted to porn.” We could potentially book You for a week from Thursday, but if Pervez Musharraf’s schedule opens up, You’ll get bumped (he promised to share his secret recipe for spicy hummus, and I just can’t wait). In the meantime, You may want to sign up to receive my daily e-mailed inspirational message, or take our online quiz, “How Can I Become My Best Self?”
Enclosed, please find my top-secret e-mail address; please keep it confidential. Feel free to drop Me a line any time, especially if You meet any transgendered people who have lost weight and kept it off. These folks have been maddeningly hard to find.
I’ll never forget how supportive You have been. Remember, let your inner dreams rise with the sun!
Imagine Peace,
Oprah
(Judy Gruen is a humorist and author of “Till We Eat Again: Confessions of a Diet Dropout.” Read more of her columns on http://www.judygruen.com.)
KRE/PH END GRUEN
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