Atheist parents say raising nonbelievers can be a challenge

c. 2007 Religion News Service (UNDATED) Dale McGowan has developed two ground rules for his evangelical mother-in-law with regard to his children: Don’t discourage them from having doubts about the existence of God, and don’t tell them they’re going to hell. Other than that, he said, everything else is fair game. McGowan, the author of […]

c. 2007 Religion News Service

(UNDATED) Dale McGowan has developed two ground rules for his evangelical mother-in-law with regard to his children: Don’t discourage them from having doubts about the existence of God, and don’t tell them they’re going to hell.

Other than that, he said, everything else is fair game.


McGowan, the author of “Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Caring, Ethical Kids Without Religion,” imposed the guidelines as his family was trying to negotiate the relationship between his three children and their grandmother.

While some members of the family are Christian, McGowan said he wants his children to wait until they are old enough to decide for themselves which, if any, faith they want to embrace.

“Childhood is a time to explore ideas,” said McGowan, 44, of Atlanta. But “the idea of letting children be undeclared religiously is very new.”

It’s also an idea that comes with some trepidation in a country where nine in 10 people express some kind of belief in God. Non-believing parents say raising non-believing kids in a faith-saturated society can come with heavy amounts of social stimga.

But as a parent, McGowan says there are definite benefits.

“My kids know that there are absolutely no questions they can’t ask … As a result, we have the most amazing conversations,” he said.

According to a study released last June by the Barna Group, about 9 percent of Americans identify themselves as atheist, agnostic or “no faith.” The outright atheists account for only about one-quarter of these.

McGowan and others argue that people are afraid to call themselves atheists because there is a misperception that atheism leads to a life without morals.

“People think for some reason we’re destroying our children,” said Arthur Appelgren, a 43-year-old self-described atheist who lives in Wisconsin. “Just because someone is religious doesn’t make them moral. I don’t care what they say.”


Appelgren says he has experienced first-hand the kind of stigma some secular households face. His son, Alexander, is almost 10 and has been baptized and enrolled in a Catholic school. But he has yet to identify with a religion.

“He’s been through all the religious indoctrination at the school, and he didn’t buy it. What can I say?” Appelgren said.

Neighborhood kids have given Alexander “a little bit of a hard time,” but sometimes, Alexander isn’t the only one who gets picked on. “My son was continually told that I was going to go to hell and burn for all eternity because I am an atheist,” Appelgren said.

Researchers say raising a child in a believing household may have its benefits, but there’s no proof that religion is necessary for instilling morals, empathy or even religious literacy.

In 2005, Notre Dame psychology professor John Borkowski released a study that examined the impact of religiosity on teenage mothers. Researchers followed 91 adolescent mothers over 10 years and found that those who were more highly religious had “higher self-esteem and were less likely to show potential for abuse than mothers low in religiosity.” Their children were also less likely to show signs of depression or aggression, according to Borkowski.

“I think probably the religiosity is tied to social support,” says Borkowski, noting that churches often lend the kind of help that can help families thrive, such as day care and job opportunities.


But he added that nonreligious households that “are affiliated with another equally supportive community … should probably get the same benefits” that church-going families receive.

Religion does seem to benefit youths from disadvantaged families, according to a more recent study by Harvard University’s Erzo F.P. Luttmer. His study found that, for example, disadvantaged youth are more likely to finish high school when they’ve come from a faith-oriented home.

But Luttmer said it’s not absolutely clear that religion was the reason those disadvantaged youths fared better. “It’s very hard to say what religion does per se,” he said.

Still, there can be practical consequences for non-believing families. Dave Buck of Knoxville, Tenn., said his 7-year-old son refused to say the oath _ “on my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country” _ that is required to become a member of the Boy Scouts.

As a result, said Buck, 38, “He’s banned from a really excellent organization.”

Buck, the son of a retired Lutheran pastor, said he doesn’t want his children to become paranoid about potential conflicts with people of faith. Instead, he wants his children to give people the benefit of the doubt and feel capable of handling any problem _ whether it’s of a religious nature or not.

“For us,” he said, “the main principle is critical thinking.”

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