(RNS1-SEPT1) Tom Farley left the Catholic priesthood and his post at St. Clare’s Church in Portland, Ore., just before Easter. He is engaged to be married, and will soon be moving to Bend. For use with RNS-10-MINUTES, transmitted Sept. 1, 2010. Religion News Service photo by Beth Nakamura/The Oregonian

PORTLAND, Ore. (RNS) Tom Farley left the Catholic priesthood because he’d fallen in love.

Farley, 57, a priest for 30 years, served his last Masses at his parish here in March.

The former priest talked recently about his years as a priest, the process that led him to give it up, and the life he’s embraced since he left.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Q: Why did you become a priest?

A: I was raised a Catholic, and my faith was important to me. And then the next question was, “Lord, what do you want me to do?” The idea of the priesthood came to me. As a sophomore, I transferred to Mount Angel Seminary. I did OK, academically, socially. But I guess the real reason I became a priest is I wanted to serve.

Q: How do you describe your 30 years as a priest?

A: The thing that I always come back to is there’s this incredible honor as a priest — being invited into the middle of people’s relationship with God. It’s an intimate place. It’s a privilege.

Q: Why did you leave?

A: I fell in love. Early on. More than once. People are attractive and I am not a dolt. I’d ask myself, “Am I going to explore this relationship, risk my priesthood to explore this?” and I always said no and ran away. There was this background of loneliness — and I know that loneliness is existential, that we’re all alone and I don’t believe that a partner can take that away. But romantic love was never an option.

Q: What changed for you?

A: I’d had a long relationship, a friendship with a woman. And last summer, I realized that I loved her, that I loved someone again. I don’t quite know why, but this time I said I’m not going to run away, to shut the door. Maybe it was a midlife crisis. Maybe it was loneliness. Maybe it was the boredom of doing the same thing over and over.

I got a good counselor and talked to my spiritual director. The three of us worked for almost four months to unpack this love. It was a very intentional discernment.

Q: Did you have sex with her?

A: No! We decided from Day One not to have an affair and to remain chaste. I must say that this is an unfair question, like celibacy and marriage are all about having or not having sex. To me they are about exclusive partnerships or unions.

Q: When did you meet with Portland Archbishop John Vlazny?

A: I met with him in January and asked him, “What do you think I should consider?” He treated me like a brother. He was sensitive, thoughtful and generous. He said he respected me, that he wanted me to stay as a priest, but he didn’t want to put up roadblocks.

Q: Was there a moment when you knew what you wanted to do?

A. I remember driving home from my counselor and it came to me: “I am going to leave the priesthood.” It was a little scary — it had been scary from Day One. But something in me felt released. I had done all this work. I had a parachute and I could jump.

Q: Who did you tell first?

A: I called my sister. I called my little brother, who’s 13 years younger. I said, “I’m leaving the priesthood and I need to find a place to live.” He said, “What did you say?” We met for lunch and he helped me. My family was surprised. Members of the parish were shocked.

Q: You’ve often said your best friends were other priests. How did they respond to your decision?

A: They were conflicted. Nobody was overjoyed at my leaving the priesthood. We are all team players — I’ve always thought of myself as a member of the diocesan team. No one wanted to manipulate me, but they weren’t encouraging me, either. I’ve lost some friends over it. One told me that there was a chasm now between us that he couldn’t reach across.

Q: How did you feel during your last weekend of Masses?

A: I won’t say it was fun. But all the work had been done. I was very present and relaxed at the services. I was very touched by people’s affection. My parents and members of my family came to the last service and sat in the front row. By the end of the services, I was tired but animated.

Q: How did you support yourself?

A: I lived on my savings, as cheaply as I could. I got a part-time job working with Neighborhood House in a new partnership with the Housing Authority of Portland. I’ve been organizing programs for youth in the pocket parks of New Columbia, where I’ve been living.

Q: What do you miss, now that you’re no longer a priest?

A: I have no regrets. I don’t miss preaching. There is no pining inside me. In my bones, I have a real respect for what the church and her priests are trying to do.

Q: What about this woman that you fell in love with? What role did she play in your discernment?

A: We had been friends for a long time. When I told her I could no longer dance around my feelings for her, she was caught off guard. We set up new boundaries, agreed to less contact with each other. She agreed to support me emotionally in my discernment process.

Once I’d left the parish, we started dating and began seeing a counselor. I just asked her to marry me, and she accepted. I’ve also written to the archbishop and asked him to begin the process of releasing me from my vows. That could take a long time.

Q: Do you still consider yourself a Catholic?

A: I always will be. The church might be screwy, but she’s still my mother. We’ve attended St. Andrew’s parish a few times, but right now, we feel untethered. What was is gone, what’s coming isn’t here yet. But I’m confident we’ll end up in a Catholic community.

(Nancy Haught writes for The Oregonian in Portland, Ore.)